Mrs. Hinda Pinson, Shlucha in South Bay, CA and 7th Grade Limudei Kodesh Teacher, Bais Rebbe, Los Angeles, CA
Q: How should I handle my child’s classmate whose entertainment at home doesn’t align with my values?
A: In this upside down world that we live in, I often remind myself that just because “everyone is doing it,” doesn’t mean we have to do it. We are Yidden and Chassidim, and we are different. Viniflinu – Hashem separated us from the rest of the world, and we have to stand strong and be proud of who we are. I remind myself that my children gain from seeing the strength I have in what I believe in, even if they fight me for it during their younger years. Eventually, they’re going to say thank you—thank you for being strong and being true to your values.
That being said, I would never tell my child to not be friends with someone who doesn’t hold to our values, as in the case of your question. I would just explain that we do things differently in our home. I had a situation where my daughter was once invited for Shabbos by a very nice family who has different standards. I called the mother and told her that I am so glad our kids are friends, and then I added that we don’t let our kids watch movies or television, and asked if that was ok with her. Not only was she not upset about it, she expressed her appreciation for being upfront and not beating around the bush.
When my kids tell me that they must have what everyone else has, or do what everyone else is doing, I tell them that there is no “must.” If something aligns with our standards and it is within reason, then it’s totally ok, otherwise, it’s not the right thing for our family. There are differences between every family and home, and it is totally ok to be different. This perspective gives my children the ability to be strong and proud of who they are when these kinds of nisyonos come up.
I try to make sure not to create a negative attitude around it. Right now, my kids go on a bus to school with other kids who watch things on their iPads. If my daughter tells me that she saw something on her friend’s iPad, there’s nothing I can really do about it, and I definitely don’t reprimand her. We live in a world where our kids are exposed to things, but they also need to know that these are things that don’t belong in their home, and that’s a healthy boundary.
