Question: My daughter has friends who are bullying a classmate. What’s the best way to help her navigate the situation—doing the right thing without losing friends?
Answer: First, take a moment to appreciate that your child has brought this to your attention. You’ve raised her with the awareness to notice inappropriate behavior and the values to recognize it as wrong.
Celebrate this moment of nachas by acknowledging her awareness: “Wow, I’m really proud that you noticed this. Not everyone does, and it shows your maturity – you value treating others with kindness and respect and are bothered when the opposite happens.”
Once you’ve affirmed her instincts, explore the situation together and discuss potential ways to respond. Lay out a spectrum of options and help her choose an approach that matches her courage and comfort level.
- The Harder Option: Being an Upstander
She can stand up to her friends by saying, “Ouch! Why are you being rude?” or support the bullied classmate with comments like, “Actually, those shoes are cool!” or “There’s nothing wrong with her lunch choice.” While being an upstander is ideal, it can risk alienation from friends, so she must feel confident in her response consequences. - The Middle Ground: Addressing Friends Privately
She can speak to her friends privately, saying, “That was harsh. You shouldn’t call her out in public just because you disagree.” She can also reach out to the bullied classmate with kind words, like, “What they said wasn’t fair—I think that was a cool idea.” - The Easier Option: Small Acts of Kindness
If direct confrontation feels too challenging, she can start with small acts of kindness toward the bullied classmate. Sitting with her at lunch, offering a smile, sharing notes, or complimenting something about her can let the girl know she is seen and valued.
Reassure your daughter that even small steps are meaningful. The act of practicing kindness is like exercising a muscle—it grows stronger over time. Praise her efforts, no matter where she starts on the spectrum, and encourage her to honor her instincts to help.
You can also remind her that as we get to know people, we often discover their strengths and wonderful qualities. Even if she starts befriending the bullied classmate out of rachmanus (compassion), chances are she’ll find a genuine friend in the process. This experience will not only benefit the other girl but will also enrich your daughter’s life in unexpected ways.
Mitzvah goreres mitzvah—a good deed leads to another—and by acting on her values, your daughter is already making the world a kinder and better place and leading by example for herself and others around her.
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Mrs. Gitty Meyers, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) who works with youngsters and families in private practice. She also serves as the director of the Student Wellness department at Bais Chaya Mushka of Los Angeles, California.
